super D

this weekend was not a good one. the "D" often used to describe defense is not what i'm talking about. but perhaps i can use it in this scenario aswell. i'm trying to defend myself from slipping into an irreturnable place of depression. defending those i love, from the radical thoughts that run through my head, inadvertantly dragging them into my depression with me.

i have been off medication for a while now. i've been able to keep my brain at harbor for a bit over 2 years. a feat that i am quite proud of, personal therapy and lack of drug dependancy is extremely gratifying. but something this month has triggered, to date, two weeks of sleepless nights, and monumental headaches throughout the day for months. i think much too much, as all people who know me well can attest. when i get in this "funk" you can be assured 100% that i've multiplied thinking times 10. i'm at the point now where nothing makes sense and all i want to do is sleep. everything is bad. and i'm finding it harder lately to be amusing, or amused by anything. it is not a good place to be.

humor really is the key to life. and i've managed to maintain this for 2 years now. starting this blog, was a new version of therapy for me. writing things down, or for this matter, typing things out, helps me clear thoughts from my head, let's me go back to them and later make jokes about it. even in writing this, confronting what my problem is, i've actually written, and re-written these paragraphs numerous times. a similar process as to what is going on in my head right now.

i am having a hard time sharing thoughts about what i'm thinking. because i don't know what kind of level of understanding you all have with this problem. i'm apologizing in advance if you get in my path of random insanity, it really has nothing to do with you. i'll get over it. you shouldn't pay any mind.